Why Doula for Sex & Kink?

The term Doula traditionally refers to an individual who specializes in the support, advocacy, and education of pregnant people. Doula originates from a Greek word, meaning “woman who serves”. As a service oriented person myself, in both my personal and kink life, it made sense to use the term Doula, as support, advocacy, and education are foundational to areas of my practice. When working with folks in areas of sex, kink and intimacy, this role looks no different.

It’s no secret that kink and BDSM have become trendy and pervasive within the span of quarantine years. People were stuck inside with their smut and weird porn, aching to follow through on their desires and get up to something once outside opened up again. While watching this rise in popularity, I became deeply reflective.

Personally, I had the best case scenario for coming out as kinky. My aunt had been an out Leatherdyke for some time, so I was grandfathered into this community’s rich, colourful legacy. I got the books, attended the events, and hit the ground running. It wasn’t long before I became somewhat of a beacon myself. Unwittingly so, as I often happened to be the most sexually open among my friends. Before I knew it, I had thrown my first play party, and received some fabulous feedback. I realized pretty quickly that while I knew I still had a lot to learn, people were looking to me because I was accessible to them.

There was a gap that needed filling, and I could no longer keep to myself about it. The need is showing itself to you, I whispered internally.

Unfortunately, even among flogging tutorials and self-tie videos, the internet will never be a replacement for the infallible experience of learning from elders. Your community, you realize after a while, quickly becomes a circle of teachers and dear ones, full of care and knowledge and loving admonishment. I noticed my capacity to be a part of that journey for others while watching my peers navigate the reality of danger and risk in our debaucherous pleasure with no training wheels. In those observations, I took a deep breath to recall the moments where folks tried their best to give me advice, eventually acquiescing to a gentle sigh and knowing smile, shaking their heads all the while. To them, I send many silent, grateful prayers, as I’m sure they sent many cautionary ones my way while watching me fumble my way through myself, and through what it is that we do.

The calling to education had finally reached a fever pitch.

As a kink doula, I am inspired by my ancestry, the beloveds around me, and the grace and patience woven within their guidance. I believe that the foundation of community provides cushion for those with non-normative desires to explore the complexity and messiness of the human experience. Sexual desire is, to say the least, part and parcel of this experience